Mikey Da Fence

Youse  need something got?  Youse  need to  offload something hot?  Call Mikey  the fence he’ll work for youse and he won’t stop!

What’s it  worth?  Oh my friend it’s  priceless…. But for you? I’ll do it for 250 Gees, a mere quartah million smackahs.

But if youse gotsta  ask  youse can’t  afford it my friend.

We don’t crate our dogs and they need to be  home alone a couple  days a week.  We don’t  want to let the  have free range all the time,  and we don’t want to lock them in a room in the house.

We  don’t  have a fenced yard, we have natural  boundaries  and don’t want the whole place fenced. We would like to  have a doggie playpen area in the garage, not too big, with  a  doggie door to the  side yard and  a small fenced area.   OK  let’s get some quotes!

HOLY GUACAMOLE!  It’s  91 linear feet of fence ,  3 feet high  with 3 little gates and you want HOW MUCH to build it?!? Thanks for coming out… buh bye

That laundry room is looking  a  little bit better…  but no, we spoil  our dogs  so  I will price out the material and  really, how  hard can it be to build a fence?  A few posts, some rails, some slats and bada bing, bada boom it’s done!

 

BWAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHA MWAHAHAHAHAHA   Oh hindsight you are soooo funny funny !!!

By now,   you’ve realized that I  am not a  purveyor of  stolen merchandise, or black market art, jewelry or weapons!   I am now a custom  fence builder!

Drew up the plans, measure, measure,  measure. Bought what I thought was all the material needed to started on this quick, easy and fun project. –   a bunch of 4X4 posts, quickcrete and some fence panels. That should do it right?  Oh there’s that comical  hindsight thing again.

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Dig the holes  and set the posts with a little help and borrowed tools  from a good buddy   and   my son.  Being very , very mindful of the Septic  System and the electric main line coming through this section of the property.

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Measure the slope and figure the angles needed on the  pre-fabbed sections of fencing. Oh look, they aren’t going to match up with the posts.  Hmmm move the posts? Nope, I’ll custom cut and fit each section! Yeah that’s the ticket.

Measure again (and again for good measure)  cut, temporary set  and level, well  mostly level. There are a few interesting spots , but nothing that can’t be overcome using some artistic license.  Fencing, I’ve learned,  is a sport  and  an art.

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Alrighty, that  was more challenging than I thought it was going to be!  It only took, oh about  3  weeks to get to this point. That fence company said that it would take them 2 days for the whole  job!  Granted, I wasn’t  working on it 100% of the time, but a LOT of “spare”  time  went into it!   3 weeks and it’s now ready for  staining and  then  permanent  fixing to the posts.

Back to the big box  store for more parts  hinges, latches,  post caps etc… as well as  5 gallons of  stain and  all the evil implements needed to apply it.

Stain it up honey!  You see, I hate painting or  staining.  If it involves brushing and it’s not my teeth  I can’t stand doing it. So,  I’ll build it  you paint it! I think I got that aversion from reading Tom Sawyer one too many times, thankfully I’m not as manipulative as  young Tom, though I can be  a bit of a mischief maker  and I wouild totally die under  Becky’s (Christy’s!)  window if nessecary.

After  the first  section is stained though,  I  realize  that this can’t be a one woman staining event. Each section takes about 30-45 minutes to do right.  So I break down and grab a wicked  stain putter onner thingy and dive into the bucket, well  I didn’t really dive into it, but after I was  done it looked like I did!

A week  or so later and we’re  ready  to  put it together!  WOO-HOO Happy doggies! You’re going to have  a place to  hang while we’re out.  A part of the garage for your dog house, and this open space for  your barking at the UPS guy,  mail  delivery  persons, squirrels, jays, random sounds that only you hear not to mention all the pooping and peeing  you seem to like to do. But please don’t  pee on the fence, it’s art and we don’t pee on art, we’re  like totally sophisticated and stuff.

Grab the  drill, the nail gun,  level and  get going putting this “little” project together with the finishing touches….   Another  bada bing, bada boom  and voila a  fence is built. And we all know that if you build it they will come, it worked for Costner anyway.

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Done!! Let’s  try it out! Dukie, Pepe  come here boys .. yeah good boys..  in here.. yeah it’s fun oh yeah  wee…  what’s that over there? ( Mikey , Sneaks out of fence and closes the gate)…suckers.

Grab a couple of beers and let’s  celebrate this  accomplishment honey….(goes to fridge, grabs brewskies, come back to the deck overlooking the  fenced area)  Why’d you let them out?  Um yeah  about that… I didn’t ….whatchutalkinboutwillis?

How’d they get out?  I don’t know I wasn’t watching.  Well let’s  get them back in and see… of course once they are back in, they just lay down and  chill…  I sneak around the other side of the house to watch, and give her the signal to disappear out of sight of them  so they  will try to get out…  no luck they  are content to just hang and explore now.

So in I go, I see a few spots that are possibilities so   cut some custom pieces and do the final   touch ups (again)…  ok let’s give it another try.

Dogs  in,  gates closed and bloop….. I see it happen right in front of me!! Duke just walks right through the slats like there’s not  even a fence up at all.  YOU’VE GOT TO BE FREAKING KIDDING ME!?! Basically we just wasted 3 weeks building a fence to look pretty??

Who knew that I should have measured the width of my dogs?? And factored in their influence coefficient   and their linear elasticity!?!

Now what?  Well I can be a creative fella …. I can make this work…   just need to  add a post/slat in each gap. Each one needs to be  flush with the  top rail and to the ground.  That means   each one is a different length. Oh joy.

260 measurements later  (measure twice, cut once!)  do  a little math  and  another trip to  the hardware store for  45  furring strips  and we’re off to the races!

I’ll cut, you  stain  then I’ll install,  deal?  Deal!

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Only 2 days later and we have a fully finished  fence! Come here boys..  come on,  yeah good dogs… click.. yep you’re locked in let’s see you get outta this one!   So far, so good after a 20 minute test, we’ll see how it goes…..

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The moral of this story –  You can tell the  measure of a man by  how he measures  his dog.

 

Mikey  da  Fence

 

Stay Safe, Be Kind, Keep the Park Clean, Pay it forward, Make a Difference and One Love  –  http://wp.me/p2RcFA-3Z

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4 thoughts on “Mikey Da Fence

  1. Oh my love it looks marvelous.. And it’s completed. Now we can get the doggy door set up and try a real test. Our neighbors might hate us if the bark the entire time but at least we have almost 3 acres of echoing.. Lmao.. Thank you for all your hard work. So happy its done. I love you..

  2. This is hilarious. I am glad to know that we are not the only ones who have these kinds of project experiences. Our joke is it “will only take 20 minutes” no matter how many days it takes! Scott says everything take 20 minutes. I actually really did lol, especially when Dukie walked through the fence! You did a lot of measuring- but forgot to measure the dogs! Thanks for the laugh, Mike. Becky

  3. Oh I loved the description of the fence project! Wow Duke is tinier than I thought! I really like the look of the slats. If you hadn’t done that some people use the wire fencing with the little squares on say a rail fence or other fence and it doesn’t really show and keeps them in. You guys did a great job!!

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