Youse need something got? Youse need to offload something hot? Call Mikey the fence he’ll work for youse and he won’t stop!
What’s it worth? Oh my friend it’s priceless…. But for you? I’ll do it for 250 Gees, a mere quartah million smackahs.
But if youse gotsta ask youse can’t afford it my friend.
We don’t crate our dogs and they need to be home alone a couple days a week. We don’t want to let the have free range all the time, and we don’t want to lock them in a room in the house.
We don’t have a fenced yard, we have natural boundaries and don’t want the whole place fenced. We would like to have a doggie playpen area in the garage, not too big, with a doggie door to the side yard and a small fenced area. OK let’s get some quotes!
HOLY GUACAMOLE! It’s 91 linear feet of fence , 3 feet high with 3 little gates and you want HOW MUCH to build it?!? Thanks for coming out… buh bye
That laundry room is looking a little bit better… but no, we spoil our dogs so I will price out the material and really, how hard can it be to build a fence? A few posts, some rails, some slats and bada bing, bada boom it’s done!
BWAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHA MWAHAHAHAHAHA Oh hindsight you are soooo funny funny !!!
By now, you’ve realized that I am not a purveyor of stolen merchandise, or black market art, jewelry or weapons! I am now a custom fence builder!
Drew up the plans, measure, measure, measure. Bought what I thought was all the material needed to started on this quick, easy and fun project. – a bunch of 4X4 posts, quickcrete and some fence panels. That should do it right? Oh there’s that comical hindsight thing again.
Dig the holes and set the posts with a little help and borrowed tools from a good buddy and my son. Being very , very mindful of the Septic System and the electric main line coming through this section of the property.
Measure the slope and figure the angles needed on the pre-fabbed sections of fencing. Oh look, they aren’t going to match up with the posts. Hmmm move the posts? Nope, I’ll custom cut and fit each section! Yeah that’s the ticket.
Measure again (and again for good measure) cut, temporary set and level, well mostly level. There are a few interesting spots , but nothing that can’t be overcome using some artistic license. Fencing, I’ve learned, is a sport and an art.
Alrighty, that was more challenging than I thought it was going to be! It only took, oh about 3 weeks to get to this point. That fence company said that it would take them 2 days for the whole job! Granted, I wasn’t working on it 100% of the time, but a LOT of “spare” time went into it! 3 weeks and it’s now ready for staining and then permanent fixing to the posts.
Back to the big box store for more parts hinges, latches, post caps etc… as well as 5 gallons of stain and all the evil implements needed to apply it.
Stain it up honey! You see, I hate painting or staining. If it involves brushing and it’s not my teeth I can’t stand doing it. So, I’ll build it you paint it! I think I got that aversion from reading Tom Sawyer one too many times, thankfully I’m not as manipulative as young Tom, though I can be a bit of a mischief maker and I wouild totally die under Becky’s (Christy’s!) window if nessecary.
After the first section is stained though, I realize that this can’t be a one woman staining event. Each section takes about 30-45 minutes to do right. So I break down and grab a wicked stain putter onner thingy and dive into the bucket, well I didn’t really dive into it, but after I was done it looked like I did!
A week or so later and we’re ready to put it together! WOO-HOO Happy doggies! You’re going to have a place to hang while we’re out. A part of the garage for your dog house, and this open space for your barking at the UPS guy, mail delivery persons, squirrels, jays, random sounds that only you hear not to mention all the pooping and peeing you seem to like to do. But please don’t pee on the fence, it’s art and we don’t pee on art, we’re like totally sophisticated and stuff.
Grab the drill, the nail gun, level and get going putting this “little” project together with the finishing touches…. Another bada bing, bada boom and voila a fence is built. And we all know that if you build it they will come, it worked for Costner anyway.
Done!! Let’s try it out! Dukie, Pepe come here boys .. yeah good boys.. in here.. yeah it’s fun oh yeah wee… what’s that over there? ( Mikey , Sneaks out of fence and closes the gate)…suckers.
Grab a couple of beers and let’s celebrate this accomplishment honey….(goes to fridge, grabs brewskies, come back to the deck overlooking the fenced area) Why’d you let them out? Um yeah about that… I didn’t ….whatchutalkinboutwillis?
How’d they get out? I don’t know I wasn’t watching. Well let’s get them back in and see… of course once they are back in, they just lay down and chill… I sneak around the other side of the house to watch, and give her the signal to disappear out of sight of them so they will try to get out… no luck they are content to just hang and explore now.
So in I go, I see a few spots that are possibilities so cut some custom pieces and do the final touch ups (again)… ok let’s give it another try.
Dogs in, gates closed and bloop….. I see it happen right in front of me!! Duke just walks right through the slats like there’s not even a fence up at all. YOU’VE GOT TO BE FREAKING KIDDING ME!?! Basically we just wasted 3 weeks building a fence to look pretty??
Who knew that I should have measured the width of my dogs?? And factored in their influence coefficient and their linear elasticity!?!
Now what? Well I can be a creative fella …. I can make this work… just need to add a post/slat in each gap. Each one needs to be flush with the top rail and to the ground. That means each one is a different length. Oh joy.
260 measurements later (measure twice, cut once!) do a little math and another trip to the hardware store for 45 furring strips and we’re off to the races!
I’ll cut, you stain then I’ll install, deal? Deal!
Only 2 days later and we have a fully finished fence! Come here boys.. come on, yeah good dogs… click.. yep you’re locked in let’s see you get outta this one! So far, so good after a 20 minute test, we’ll see how it goes…..
The moral of this story – You can tell the measure of a man by how he measures his dog.
Mikey da Fence
Stay Safe, Be Kind, Keep the Park Clean, Pay it forward, Make a Difference and One Love – http://wp.me/p2RcFA-3Z
Blog Home – http://www.mikeynchristy.com/Mikey_Blog